What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 09:21
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
How do you emotionally react to when others seem to feel sorry for you?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were not on the streets..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is the best case of “You just picked a fight with the wrong person” that you've witnessed?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Is it wise to choose your family over your honor?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Are there any men who have sex with male dogs?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why do I feel so tired all the time even after a good night’s sleep?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What is the kinkiest thing you and your sex partner have done in bed?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What would you do if you were lost at sea in the Florida Keys?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What are my 10 favorite rock record album opening tracks?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?
Im still living with it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.